Apologizing

I think apologizing is vital to any effective relationship, whether it be parent/child, husband/wife, or boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. I think too often, people assume the other person knows they are sorry, and things then tend to get out of hand because no true apology was ever made.

Lynn Johnston, well known for her comic strip For Better or For Worse, once commented that "An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything".

While I agree with that statement I think it is important to understand what a real apology is. Just saying I'm sorry, and not saying what you are sorry about does not cut it. How many times have our kids done something, and they said they were sorry, and we found ourselves saying to them "I know you say you are sorry, but what are you really sorry about? I think that there are many things that we blame our kids doing, and we just dismiss the same actions if we were the one's doing it.

If we want the apology to really be the "superglue of life", then we need to really make it count. I think the first important thing is to say what you are sorry for. i.e. I am sorry for not cleaning up the dishes after I used them or I am sorry for saying you don't work hard. I think that by explaining to the other person that you are sorry and you know what you are sorry about, helps ease some of their pain.

Showing regret is the first step. You also need to let them know that you understand why they were angry at what you did, i.e. ( I know that you work hard in making sure this house is clean, and it is not right for me to just eat and leave my dirty dishes laying around the table. Or, I know that working all day and being home with the kids is just as hard, if not harder than what I do.

The final thing is to come up with a solution, that you will not do that action again. For example, telling the other person that you will make it a point to clean up the dishes right after you eat, or to tell the other person that you are going to work on not under-appreciating everything they do.

This apology may not be helpful to make right away in some cases. There are certain times, that you can tell the person, I just messed up, and I know you are upset; I just wanted to say I am sorry and I do want to talk about this. You would then let the other person talk and remain quiet. Trying to rationalize your statement when the other person is expressing why they are upset is not going to help you resolve the situation.

A final tip is to make sure you are looking them in their eye, and hold their hands if possible. Touch has been shown in countless situations to lessen anger, and looking the person in the eye, shows them that you really mean what you are saying.

We all get into tricky situations, and I think it is important to practice apologizing, and thinking before we make insensitive remarks or gestures.